SNL "that ridiculous Bailout and so-called Debate"

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An open letter to Cancer (in all your nasty forms)

Dear Cancer,

I’ve just returned from the gym where I rode the bike for about an hour and then ran on the treadmill for 1/2 an hour. I’ve spent a lot of time on that bike and a lot of time running with you on my mind. I really don’t want you on my mind, but you are omnipresent in my life and that’s just a fact with which I must deal with every day.

But here’s what I have to say to you today:

FUCK YOU!

You will not own me. I’m many miles ahead, but if you ever catch up it’ll be “GAME ON”.

kthxbai

Rainy days and life

It’s a very warm and very rainy day today. It’s actually day two of this weather however yesterday the weather seemed more threatening whereas today it just seems miserable. We’ve spent most of the day trying to keep the kids occupied and the TV off. This means that Don built with Kenex while I lazed in bed in the early hours. Then I played Monkey and then the whole family played a game of tickle party which turned into mommy and daddy are a jungle gym. The jungle gym game entailed the kids jumping on us for the most part.
Don and R have left for R’s soccer game. In all truth I thought they’d cancel the game, but they didn’t. So M and I are here at home and I’m sneaking away to write as I just need to. We’ll head out to buy milk in a bit. Really wish I’d thought to buy it yesterday while I was at the Co-op.

Work and Life in general I guess

So I’ve started working again. It’s just part time and actually it’s what I was doing about 7 years ago. I’m teaching ESL. I’m doing three different classes: an evening ESL II class, a once a week ESL computers class and an ESL Civics class. I vary between being really excited about the classes and just feeling so so — seems to depend on the day. I don’t know what it is, but that’s just how I’m feeling. I’m definitely grateful for the work, given the economic climate. It’s more that I’m still feeling lost about what it is I want to do for work.

When I started at “LAGC” three years ago, I thought I’d found the place where I would work for quite a long time. After about 6 months I knew I’d just be trying to hang on for 5 years and then by the end of my first year I was hoping I would make it to 3 years. It wasn’t the work, but the place. Organizational culture. Being let go from that job was the perfect gift for all it allowed me to be able to do and for the time it gave me with my father. But now WHAT?

Now I’m here unsure about what I want to do. Just broadly unsure. I keep thinking, “Give it time. A lots happened this year.” But that doesn’t seem to be helping. I can see in some vague sense how all of the things I’ve learned in the last few months will be as beneficial career wise as they have been emotionally, but there’s no road map. I’ve spent so much time adrift in my career trying to make my way. Or doing what needed to be done. Piece-mealing work together. Knowing what I didn’t want to do and trying to find the kind of work that would stimulate my mind and fill up my soul. Meaningful work, but work that would also pay enough so I could indulge and not worry about every penny. You know buy the kids pajamas.

All I know right now is that I just don’t know. Some days I spend time trying to figure it out but most days I just avoid it. I have some time now to figure it out and luckily a husband whose confidence in my ability to figure it out is staggering. But it’s hard to fathom that at 36 I haven’t sorted much out.

Where’s the new post?

Not sure how this happened, but I haven’t been blogging. I have lots to say, but time management seems to be a major obstacle these days. This weekend, I set aside time to really block out my days and assign time to meaningfully blog. I love it so much and need to be sure that I dedicate my time to it or then it fades and I’m left wondering what happened. Mindfulness, that’s always the key.

It can’t already be Wednesday! Whoops it’s Thursday!

If I had an excuse for not blogging, then I’d give you one. No such excuse exists.

Tina Fey is awesome

A change in blogging plans

It’s hard for me to believe that I haven’t written on my blog in about a week or so. I found that in participating in the coComment mom/parent challenge, my usual style of random posting and choice of topics was restricted. It wasn’t really, but it just felt that way. I had been sort of organizing a “what’s new” post in my head given that the school year is upon us and we’re trying to get into a rhythm, but that post is now postponed. because there’s something else that just needs to be written about.

On Tuesday evening I received an email from my uncle Albert. That in and of itself is not particularly monumental as Albert likes to forward. We’ve all got an email forwarder don’t we. He doesn’t do it too much but since it’s very 1998 it cracks me up and is very Albert. OK, I’ve digressed.

Back on track. Albert’s email told me of the loss of Aunt Betty. Aunt Betty was the Judge’s youngest sister and she had been the last living relative of that generation of Cook’s. And it is her children with whom my dad and aunts and uncles formed the strongest bonds. The closest cousins in age thing. I immediately felt compelled to attend the service and knew that I would be going to funeral. I literally felt my father’s presence for he would have been at the funeral. It’s not out of a sense of obligation but just knowing it’s the right choice. It’s what you do without a question even rising.

Just as receiving the email from Sue (aunt Betty’s daughter) has spurred Albert to reminisce and conjured up a few memories for him, I too went into my head.

What I’ve come to realize is that my memories of my great aunts are intrinsically connected my own aunts. With Storrs and the Separatist Road house as “home” for my family it’s easy to understand this synaptic configuration. My aunts traveled extensively to far off lands when I was young, but when they would return to Storrs and begin their legendary “galavanting” (a Bob word) a visit to Meriden to see “the aunties” was always in the cards. These trips to Meriden involved visiting each and every aunt. Some lived together as I recall. They might also include performances at a senior center or some other venue. I mean, Cook’s are entertainers. This was a special time for me as I didn’t see my aunts that often and pretty much mysticized their lives. This little trips to see the “aunties” allowed me to catch a glimpse of who my aunts had been and who they were in relation to their aunts. I know it sounds weird, but I really didn’t see my aunts that much for many years.

Oddly as I write this post, one of the most vivid memories I have of visiting aunt Betty is from a visit with my dad and aunt Mauli just around this time 7 years ago. I think it’s because we have video that my father shot but also because it’s 9/11 and that day and the days surrounding it are etched in my brain. (I’m working on editing the video so look for it in the future).
My brain has such a weird capacity to remember small details of tragedies but to forget a whole lot of other things.

Boy, I’m wondering if I make any sense on this post. It feels all over the place so maybe I need a little summary sentence or paragraph to connect the dots.

Aunt Betty’s passing saddens me. I’m thankful to my aunts for connecting me to my great aunts.

I love the Daily Show

The evolution of a whiteboard

Hard to believe, but this is the final week of the coComment Parenting/Mom Challenge. So below is today’s post.

Where the days have gone lately, I’m not sure. We’re still adjusting to the whole school schedule and just added twice a week soccer practices into the mix. So if we look a little more chaotic and confused these days . . . well I guess we just look like we always look.

Last week in an effort to get ourselves organized and to post daily/weekly/monthly events, I finally bought a nice big white board. Oddly, we have two wall calendars and a shared google calendar, but we (I) still forget events. I thought that the white board would be a good place to write down the weeks events or to write a special thought or need for a day. Plus it’s a place the kids can also look, helps with literacy, yadda, yadda, yadda.

So finally after much finagling with a stud finder, some hard to use double sided gluey pads and frustration we have the white board hung up. I think it happened on Saturday. So the first thing to grace the board was the word HELLO in block letters.

I’d hoped to put the kids specials up on the board and any other variations from the norm that would be happening this week. Well, wishes are wishes.

What happened was that after harassing me a bit on Facebook chat from 5 ft away, my husband decided to harass me on the white board. So up went this pic.

(I know what you’re thinking, accurate likeness.)

My first thought was “Dick” and then “Nice modelling , A-hole”, but I laughed. I laughed because it’s funny and meant in good humor. The kids thought this was hysterical. And then they felt inspired. So under “Mean Mommy” we got:

Over the course of the day these pictures stayed up, but they evolved. Small changes were made by both Don and the kids so that what remains on the whiteboard even now are the following pictures.

So from it’s task/organization oriented humble beginnings we have the true way we’ll use the whiteboard in our house: to harass each other, to send messages of love, and maybe just maybe write down an important date.

Anybody else find that the original intended use of something within their family morphs pretty quickly once it’s put to use?

Inbox surprises . . . sweet kind words

Knowing that as soon as the Bear wakes this morning he’s going to take over my computer to play Pirates of the Carribean on-line, I thought I’d take advantage of the quiet and put something up on my blog. I didn’t sleep well last night due to a bit of a queasy stomach, so I’ve been downstairs since about 2 am tossing and turning on the couch.
As duly noted in my post, Random rants probably littered with profanity last week wasn’t the best of weeks. I wasn’t all cute, cuddly and full of positivity. No, I was kind of shitty. What I haven’t had a chance to share was how a very wonderful email changed by attitude that day.
When I started this blog all I really had to do was to format some emails find pictures and copy paste text. It was pretty simple for me. But as the time of my father’s illness and then his passing became further and further away, the shared stories or emails of condolences became fewer and fewer. It was expected, I’d been warned as we worked out way through the chaos of the wake and the funeral that once all the hubub died down and people left that then you’d really realize what had happened. Well, that slow down happens virtually now too.
This slowdown left me with a blog that I knew some people read, a bit of time on my hands and a need to do and learn something. I’ve pondered this before, here, so I’ll stop rambling and get to the point.
Last Friday, I got another email with beautiful stories and thought about my dad that was wonderful, hopeful, surprising but tinged with sadness. It was a great reminder of the power of the internet, for you don’t always know who’s reading, listening or watching and how what you are doing can touch them in such a powerful way. Just check out this post by Michell Martin at The Bamboo Project about an email I sent in the haze of father’s passing.
With Jayne (McCrea) Perzan’s permission I share the following email.

Dear Sarah,

I’m so sorry to hear about Cookie’s passing, and my deepest sympathies go out to you and your family.

I was in a class 7 or 8 weeks ago, and the first day was the general “meet and greet” with the instructor where everyone tells a little bit about themselves, and we all realize how many mutual acquaintances we have in common, etc. I mentioned that Bob was my cobol instructor when I first started programming, and the instructor informed us that Bob had passed away this spring. Of course it was an extremely awkward moment as tears welled up in my eyes, and I stared in disbelief that someone so full of life, so very special, could be gone.

I’ve been following your blog and trying to think of what to say, a story I could share to bring a “that’s so Bob” smile, but I’ve been at a complete loss for words and embarrassed at my inability to express how very sorry I am.

I was one of the students lucky enough to have basic programmer training with Cookie at the HIG (I think it was 1997). He was a fantastic teacher, one of the rare ones that you’re blessed to have only once or twice in your lifetime. I loved his stories, his warmth, his corny jokes. We spent weeks telling “bar” jokes back and forth – I was hooked the moment he started with “Three strings walk in to a bar. The first one takes a seat and asks the bartender for a beer…” – my all-time favorite joke. I spent many hours trying to find a new one to share that he hadn’t yet heard. So many days started with us saying “Same bar, this time _ _ _ _ walks in to the bar” I think I finally told a new one with the panda that walks in to the bar and orders a sandwich…

He taught so much more than cobol, programming, jcl… he was an example of how to live life well, fill it with joy and laughter, and sprinkle in some sheer technical brilliance for good measure. Every day he told a story about his wife, his children, his friends, and there was always a twinkle in his eye when he spoke of those he loved. He was generous, and had us all over for a graduation picnic at the end of bpt, as well as inviting us to the 4th of July picnic. It was such a pleasure to spend time at their house, and he and Merrill made everyone feel welcome, like part of the family.

I know this is a long and rambling email, but I guess I’ve been avoiding saying the things I want to tell you. You, your father, and your family have been on my mind a lot this summer. I haven’t known what words of comfort I could offer, and can’t imagine the loss you must feel.

A few weeks ago, tragedy struck my family. My father was scheduled for a minimally invasive heart surgery at the end of July. He suffered many unexpected complications, and on Aug 10th, he passed away. My thoughts keep returning to Cookie, and to your family. At the time I started reading your blog, I had no idea that I would be losing my father, but I was drawn to the love you’ve shown, and the beautiful celebration of his life in the stories that were shared. But when I lost my father, and I started to try to understand my life without him, I began to rely on your writing as a way to cope, to learn how to still go on, and to feel a little less alone.

When it came time to make the arrangements, my mother was very concerned about my father’s obituary. She did not want it to have only names and dates, but to express a little bit of who he was, how very much he was loved, and how sorely he will be missed. I printed Cookie’s as an example of how we wanted my father’s to be written. It brought a small smile in the sea of sadness, knowing that I’m still learning from Cookie, even after he’s gone. Best teacher I’ve ever had, and a Super Cool Dude.

What I am trying to say, in an extremely clumsy way, is thank you. Thank you for sharing memories of Cookie, and showing how to miss and grieve someone you love with grace, humor, and openness. A special gift for teaching runs in your family, and you have a great impact on other people’s lives just by being you. You have a special place in my thoughts for all of the things you’re teaching by example, and the impact you’ve had on my life without ever knowing it, just like your father.

You are in my thoughts, and I wish you great strength and healing as you mourn the loss of your father. He was a wonderful man, and will be greatly missed.

Thanks Jayne! You are not alone in your grief and your email is a nice reminder to me that neither am I.